Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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