bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
