i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
