Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
