wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
