i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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