I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
