Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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