Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
