if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize