I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
