"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
