and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
