Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
