he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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