he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
