none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
And then he peed in my hair
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
