I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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