they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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