my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
