My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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