jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
