how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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