is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
