I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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