This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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