I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm sobbing to NWA
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
