Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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