OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
