she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
