I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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