i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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