oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
