every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
