He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she told me i tasted like america
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
