you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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