I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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