Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
