Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
