i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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