Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
