He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
