dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just cut my nipple shaving
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
