we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
