If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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