Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
