I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
