I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
