Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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