Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
