you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I can't turn off my feet"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
