Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
