If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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