1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
