i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
