I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize