Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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