Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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