Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
