he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize