i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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