Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
